Monthly Archives: June 2014

In Memory Of The Serial Texter


Dear brothers and sisters, we are gathered here today under the roof of Starbucks (where I am currently writing) to pay respects to a relationship that blossomed solely due to the kind courtesy of AT&T and their unlimited text plan. Our dear departed “texter” was too good to be true, and all full of autocorrect, diction and emotiCONS. His unique ringtone, and photo texts set him apart from all the other faceHookers (oops… did I just say that), tweeeters, and quackers.

Oh, he was always available to you in your time of need, provided you were expressing your need in 140 characters or less. He was one of those old-fashioned men who believed that you should treat all the numbers in your contacts equally. That is why, this man of God TEXTED- so that he could spread his message of love to more than one recipient at a time. And even if one did not hear from him for days on end, don’t despair ladies… you were in his prayers. Well, at least one of you… and then, like the first rain of spring, suddenly and without warning, he decided to text your number.

The content of his message was so strong and inspirational that even if your phone was on silent; you would feel the vibrations from the back pocket of your pants all the way to your knees. It was just buzz… buzz… and buzzzz…and it would not stop until you picked it up and the revelation of the Lord was upon you and it spoke to you… “hey girrrrlll, whatcha doin?” At that moment, a tear slowly rolled down my cheek and my heart sang, “God is real!”

But as it says in the Holy-text, “if you live by the text, you die by text.” Instead of counting my blessings, I was taken by greed and insisted upon meeting him in the flesh so my eyes could feast upon his glory. But he lived by the commandments and preached to me often enough “THOU SHALL NOT MEET.” But my wayward heart did not heed the Lord’s command and a dark spirit descended upon my fingertips, the Pagan Wheatish Goddess that possesseth my skin overpowered my faith in texting and I found myself deleting his number.

And thus, I call upon you to send a prayer (or you can text it) in memory of the “texter” that is no longer with us but his message of love, sexting and lies will remain with us and keep us (from making the same mistake again)!! You shall and never be erased from my AT&T billing history (no matter how much I really wanted to).